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Roy King (age 65) Married to Pandora since 1976. Two adult married children and three grandchildren American Church – Pastor of Mission, Senior Pastor Seminary – 27 years as Professor of Leadership at CIU and Staff in Development, Financial Aid and Alumni Non-Profit Organizations – Cru, Billy Graham Center, MTI board member, Streams of Living Water Contribution: Leadership Coaching, Organizational Consulting, Adult Training for 30+ years / 10 countries Primary Function: Launch a new work, Rework a declining or plateaued work, Self-Leadership Coach
I have borrowed ideas from several books on healthy team culture to create this simple four letter way to practice listening and valuing people. Maybe it will inspire you to think about what values and atmosphere you want to cultivate around you.
Put these four letters up in a poster on the wall where teams meet. The key is people feeling they have permission to call a time out for something they need. If a person abuses the system and paralyzes the work — take them aside privately and set some limits on the use.
S — Safe — Something was just done or said that has triggered fear in me. I can’t be a good team member if I am protecting myself from a possible wound. I need to describe what makes me feel unsafe without attacking anyone.
O — Oriented — Maybe my caffine ran out! Or I missed the last meeting and did not receive notes to get up to speed. I need to get my bearings. I need clarity.
A — Ask — Something we are discussing or a presentation just made does not seem to give me enough information. Can you tell me more? Why are we considering this action or change in direction? Can you help me understand the What? or the How? of what we are examining?
P — Praise or Pray — Can we take a moment to give God praise or thanksgiving? Can we pray to seek God’s perspective in this issue? This is great! We need to pause and thank and appreciate those who invested and sacrificed to make this happen!
All of my problems are relationship problems. Usually they revolve around how I use my words. A CIU alumnus, Paul Tripp, offers great insights on our words in his weekly devotional.
“There’s an amazing proverb that Eugene Peterson translates: “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.“ (Proverbs 18:21, The Message)
How do you use words to “give life“ to your friendship? Does it mean that you quote Scripture incessantly? Should you continuously point out the sin in others? Are you allowed to talk about sports or the weather?
There’s probably no better guide about how to talk with friends than Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (ESV)
This verse, and all of Scripture, doesn’t give us a pre-approved vocabulary list to use or avoid; instead, it teaches us how to speak with a biblical agenda. There are three aspects of that agenda:
Consider The Person
“…only such as is good for building up…”
Gospel-centered communication is always other-centered communication. The Apostle Paul says I should never say anything to a friend that is not helpful for them. My words must not be spoken from a self-centered agenda where I am seeking to establish my will in the friendship, but spoken from an ambassadorial agenda, where I seek to be part of what the King is doing in the life of my friend.
Consider The Problem
“…as fits the occasion…”
Before I speak, I must think about what my friend is struggling with and what they most need at the moment. Do they need encouragement, comfort, hope, direction, wisdom, courage, rebuke, warning, forgiveness, patience, teaching, correction, thanks, insight, a job description, or something else? My words must be shaped by an awareness of their need.
Consider The Process
…that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Gospel-centered communication is not just about the content of my words, but how they are spoken. Often I choose to say the right thing, but in the wrong way or at the wrong time. Confronting a teenager five minutes before they leave for school is not helpful, even if the content is accurate. Rebuking a friend for an offense in front of others is not beneficial, even if they need to be confronted. Asking your spouse to consider how they hurt you as they are trying to get to sleep might not be the best time, even if you do need to reconcile.
Here is what we all must remember: God has a bigger agenda for our friendships than we do. These relationships are designed to be workrooms for redemption, not shelters for human happiness.
What do your words reveal? Are you settling for your own definition of personal happiness when God’s purpose is nothing short of conforming us to the image of Christ?
If we are ever going to give grace when we talk, we need grace to free us from our bondage to ourselves so that our words may be liberated to be used by God.”
Will I live with a daily awareness of how potent God has created my words to be? He uses words to create our world, and communicate his heart and truth to us. Jesus is logos “the Word”. We bear God’s image as word empowered creation.
I have two types of words — internal (my inside talk in my head) and my external words (using my physical vocal organs to spew words into the world). Both types need to be under the rule of God’s Spirit. Godly words come from a humble surrender to hold my words, think before I speak, restrain the timing, and examine my motive behind my words.
HOW IS GOD RESHAPING YOU BY RESHAPING HOW YOU USE WORDS? LET ME HEAR FROM YOU.
Jerome Daley is my life coach. He trained and certified me in life coaching in 2012. We have become good friends and here is my response to his most recent blog .
Dear Jerome, I often hold anything from you until I have time to read it slowly and savor it. Your post on Gentle was a refreshing moment with Jesus this morning. Thank you.
My new thought was to take 1 Cor 13:4-8 — here they are from the Message
So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,
”Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,But keeps going to the end.8-10
Love never dies.
The new thought for me was to reflect on how God loves me — He models and gives this kind of love to me…. Enduring, humble, not keeping score on my sins, doesn’t play win/lose, takes all my rejection and betrayals with my idols, sees me in my best — dressed in Jesus righteousness, doesn’t drag my past up to me, keeps nudging me ahead to the end goal for the reward he has for me — Life. I need to receive His love for me every day.
Around the first of the year you mentioned a challenge you were facing of desiring to be more consistent in your witness to the good news of Jesus. What a great growth goal! I also seek to grow as a witness as well. I have prayed over your desire the last few months for both of us. Here are some thoughts and actions that are helping me and I thought they might have some value to you in your quest.
Thanks for being vulnerable and open in our friendship. May this year be a year of greater boldness, greater love of others, and greater open doors for us to share how Jesus can take away death and fill the future with eternal life in God’s presence.
WHAT I PRAY ABOUT IS WHAT I DO. Praying passionately for God to fill us with boldness and help us see each person as he does and causes being a witness to move up as a priority for me. My priorities are what will get a share of my time, money and other ways I can give.
Begin to pray with another person regularly as soon as you put something like a trip, cruise or opportunity to be an influence with others.
Pray for eyes to see as God sees, spiritual ears to listen for promptings of the Spirit, and wisdom to know how to mix grace and truth as you begin conversations.
WITNESS IS ABOUT GIVING AWAY WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO ME. Go through the day watching and listening. Lean into learning about others. To listen in an engaged fully present manner is a great act of love. Ask questions. Listen more. Look for a way to serve and/or give to the person. We are perhaps most like God when we give generously from open hands…”For God so loved HE GAVE…”
LISTEN FOR WAYS THE GOOD NEWS CONNECTS TO THEIR SPECIFIC BAD NEWS. The love of Jesus has relevance to every area of life from time management to parenting to crisis. Listen for the bridge.
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEED WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO YOU. There are folks who can greatly benefit from the wisdom and life experience God has led you through. Johnny Miller told me years ago, “Don’t try to fit into someone else’s approach to evangelism — use who you are.” He went on to share that since he was a teacher evangelism for him used that gifting. What has God shaped you to be and offer to others in his name? Financial advice and counsel; Business with integrity, Planned giving, Long Term Care — what is in your treasure box? Remember in the Bible witness is a noun not a verb. That means it is part of my identity and an activity I stick into my life. If I see an accident I AM A WITNESS, I do not go out witnessing?
WE NEVER SEEK TO CONTROL THE RESULT. “Evangelism is simply sharing Christ, in the power of God’s Spirit, and leaving the results to God.” — Bill Bright
I focus on the inputs and let God worry about the outputs. I focus on depth and let God be in control of the breadth. Each of these familiar statements remind us of a tension. There is our obedience, as we step out in faith, and there is God’s part that involves the surgical loving hand of the Spirit bringing a new birth. I heard Robertson respond to a question about our part and God’s part that has been a clear guide for me. I will paraphrase what has stuck from his words.
How do we know the difference between natural strengths or talents and gifting of the Spirit? Scripture gives no clear demarcation. If you have it use it! He probably leaves it fuzzy so we will participate humbly and not be showing off our offering.
How do we know if an inner prompting or “whisper of the Spirit” is of God or just my thoughts? Well if it aligns with God’s truth we know it is not deceit from the dark forces. So — it is either a direct conversation by the Spirit with our spirit. Remember, the Spirit operates with us in our daily life more like a tour guide and not a travel agent. He makes the trip with us and doesn’t just hand us tickets and a itinerary. If it is from my own thinking, instead of the Spirit, I view it as a His work in making me less consumed with myself and being directed more from a sanctified way of feeling and thinking. So — either source, and I will probably never know which, is the work of God in me. Go for it!
Feel free to give me a call and we can pray together and add to these ideas with what God is teaching you.